The Xena Scrolls
By: Gabrielle Bard of Podedia
Scroll #53: Aphrodite’s Enchanted Scroll
October, 47 B.C.
As Gabrielle’s next adventure began she and Xena found themselves passing by one of Aphrodite’s temples. The sun was just about to set over the horizon just beyond the trees in the forest. The bard had only met Aphrodite once and recalled Joxer the Mighty having become the innocent victim of Aphrodite’s rage over the loss of her temples to peace between two kingdoms. It seemed ridiculous that the goddess of love would appear interested in Joxer, but perhaps it was because that despite his idoicy the goddess may have found him to be kind-hearted. The bard expressed her thoughts about the goddess that she had always admired despite her spell over Joxer with the ringing bell, and inquired if Xena had ever met the goddess of love. Xena responded that most of her dealings were always with Ares for Ares was only interested in war which was something Xena had been interested in for a long time before the bard. In fact, he was still obsessed with the warrior princess even though she had clearly renounced her allegiance to him several times since traveling with Gabrielle and being converted to the path of light by Hercules.
Gabrielle found that she was getting to know the god of war quite well herself; although, she was still very interested in the goddess of love. The bard expressed to the warrior princess that she hoped to one day be in the presence of the goddess again. Xena just scoffed at the idea realizing that the bard was idolizing Aphrodite, but Gabrielle didn’t see it that way. The warrior princess pressed her opinion of the gods upon the bard stating that in her experience with any god there were always alterior motives. Those motives were usually not in favor of humanity according to the warrior princess. Then Xena proceeded to remind the bard that it was Aphrodite’s son Cupid whom had left baby Bliss unattended leading to the disaster with the Hestian virgins, and the warlord Draco in love with Gabrielle. This was all brought up in order to prove her point about the gods and their intentions. Gabrielle argued with Xena explaining that it wasn’t all Cupid’s fault, and that he had resolved the situation as soon as he was able to. The bard also gleefully reminded Xena of her own uncontrollable lust toward Draco at the time. Xena just rolled her eyes at the bard’s comment. Gabrielle pressed her argument stating that Baby bliss was the real culprit as she reminded the warrior princess of the unpredictable nature of children at play. The warrior princess moved away from the bard as if becoming disinterested in the conversation. At first Gabrielle was a bit offended that her friend was now ignoring their debate and conversation about the gods. Yet there was something else upon Aphrodite’s temple that had caught Xena’s eye.
The bard followed the warrior princess up the steps of the temple to see what it was that had caught Xena’s gaze. Xena appeared to be slightly disgusted at what she saw scrolled upon the temple doors. Someone had written messages all over the front of Aphrodite’s temple proclaiming their worship of Xena the warrior princess. There were several phrases and praises scrolled upon the walls and the doors. Xena entered into Aphrodite’s temple and followed the scrolled messages. Gabrielle read them as she followed the warrior princess inside the temple. Many of the phrases were taken directly from the writings of her many scrolls about the warrior princess. The bard found herself to be pleased that so many people had either read or heard of them. Xena was not impressed and was uninterested in the fame that the bard had seemingly created around the warrior princess and her deeds. Xena suspected that Aphrodite would most certainly be offended by the defacing of her temple through the scrolled worship of Xena. The warrior princess expressed her displeasure certain that Aphrodite, like all of the other gods she had ever encountered, would find a way to get her retribution against Xena. Gabrielle argued that the goddess of love’s retribution couldn’t possibly be worse than Ares’s use of the furies against the warrior princess for defeating him in his bid to rid the world of Hercules.
As the sun set Xena decided that the two friends would set up camp in the forest just down the road from the temple. It was obvious that Xena was still quite mentally exhausted from her battle to win back her mind and her sanity from Ares. All the warrior princess really wanted to do was relax her mind and not strain it upon any topic beyond that of the bliss of a good night’s rest. As the two friends sat by the camp fire upon their sprawled out bed rolls, Gabrielle pulled out of her saddle bag the most glorious object. It was a fresh scroll. As the bard held it up she took a whiff of the empty new parchment she had just purchased back in Amphipolis before they had left Xena’s mom behind for their next adventure. The bard proclaimed how much she loved the moment of bliss that she felt just as she was about to begin writing a new scroll. The warrior princess, as usual, was not paying too much attention to the bard’s creative rant as she continued concentrating on making repairs to her leather accessories. Despite this Gabrielle went on to describe the feel, of a clean, yet empty scroll. She looked down at the new parchment as if the idea of it being so perfectly clean and empty was an inspiration with in itself. It seemed as if the bard felt a burst of creativity coming from within herself as she went through the familiar ritual as she crinkled it. Gabrielle loved that sound it made the first time she would open a new scroll. Again the bard held the scroll under her nose and took another deep whiff of the freshness of a new story just bursting from within herself and the scroll. It was a certain connection that would occur and it would drive her to write from with in the depths of her soul. Gabrielle loved the untouched scent of her new story just waiting to be told. The scroll was already almost a living breathing entity even with out words upon it.
Then she offered her new scroll to Xena. The warrior princess gazed up momentarily from her chore in repairing her leather accessories. Xena appeared to be slightly curious about the bard’s ritual and process, but not enough to want to partake in it. As the bard held out her new scroll to the warrior princess Xena politely declined the experience stating that from her viewpoint the parchment just smelled like a piece of musty old leather. Gabrielle expected nothing less of the warrior princess. Though it wasn’t a true insult, Gabrielle decided to take Xena’s opinion and turn it to her advantage explaining that for those who were not creative like herself it certainly would smell of musty old leather. Then Gabrielle turned to her fresh scroll and began to bring it to life as she spoke the words she was about to imprint upon it out loud. Xena barked at Gabrielle pleading with her not to write another story about Xena and her adventures with Gabrielle. The warrior princess wanted to know if Gabrielle ever became weary of writing about every thing that Xena did. The warrior princess suggested that Gabrielle create new characters and new emotional images as she cut the loose thread with her teeth that had been caught upon her breast plate.
Gabrielle was slightly surprised at Xena’s suggestion or even that the warrior princess had a suggestion about the bard’s writing at all. The bard inquired of Xena intrigued and wondered if it was fiction that the warrior princess was suggesting that she try. Xena looked to Gabrielle and with a slight nod of her head affirmed that indeed it was fiction that she thought the bard should write. Gabrielle could see that Xena was walking a fine line with the bard’s creative passions in suggesting such an idea. It was as if the warrior princess was afraid of what the bard might think of the idea that Xena would want to alter how Gabrielle chose to express her writings. Gabrielle took the moment of open sharing with the warrior princess and decided that it was a new break through. For the first time Xena appeared to be just slightly interested in something outside of herself. The warrior princess was genuinely interested in what Gabrielle might be doing with in her creative process. The bard decided to respond with a positive comeback. She expressed to the warrior princess that indeed she had thought about trying fiction before, but had to admit to her friend that she wasn’t so confident about her ability to create her own living, breathing, fictional characters. Gabrielle wondered if Xena really respected her creative talents enough to believe in the bard’s potential. The warrior princess pressed the bard to go ahead and try the idea of a fictional universe, but she asked that the bard do it quietly instead of out loud. At that point, Xena had shared about all she was willing to share with in Gabrielle’s creative process. With that Xena laid her breast plate and leather accessories aside, rolled over and declared to the bard good-night.
Despite Xena’s request that Gabrielle experience her creative process quietly, Gabrielle could not do it with out telling her most intimate story out loud. It was how she had begun telling her stories as a child in the taverns back in Podedia. It was the way she would always write her stories upon the parchment. She had a need to express her inner voice and passions out-loud. There was no other way. As Gabrielle began her next story she spoke Xena’s name out loud. Xena chimed in suggesting that the bard make someone else the hero in her story this time. Gabrielle paused as she was about to put her first words onto the new scroll. She looked over to Xena who was lying down snuggling up within her bed roll. The bard knew that Xena was only trying to force the bard to take her advice and to stop writing such wonderful and popular stories about the warrior princess. The bard glanced back down to her scroll deciding that Xena’s idea was not such a bad one. Gabrielle could still write a truthful, heart-felt story without Xena. In fact, Gabrielle could write the story about the lone warrior Gabrielle. And so that is how “The Quill Is Mightier” became inspired, and its power became enchanting. Gabrielle found herself to be enjoying the idea of writing fiction for the first time. The words just flowed from her mind, and soul like never before, but after only a few lines the bard found herself to be feeling a deep sleep coming upon her.
“Suddenly, the lone warrior Gabrielle awoke with a jerk as five barbarians rode out of the woods” toward camp. The battling bard could feel the ground shaking beneath her as the hooves of their horses pounded violently upon the ground. Gabrielle shouted out to Xena who was apparently still soundly sleeping. It was the opposite of what would normally happen in this scenario. Despite that Gabrielle did not think, but she jumped up into action as the barbarians approached. Gabrielle jumped up onto a rock to get a better vantage point of the barbarians as they approached. She awaited the warrior princess to choose a striking position of defense upon the battlefield against the barbarians, but Xena did not flip into action. Gabrielle looked back toward the camp and shouted out for Xena to wake up again. The barbarians were getting dangerously closer. Gabrielle suddenly realized that she was going to have to take on the barbarians alone to defend the seemingly unconscious warrior princess. Quickly the bard turned to face the barbarians and with out a thought flipped into action. As the battling bard flipped over the on coming barbarian leader she kicked him off of his horse. He fell behind her and his horse ran toward the camp. Some how the bard was also able to knock the other four barbarians off of their horses in what seemed like an instant. Her move was just like that of Xena. It was amazing and soon Gabrielle realized that she was Xena and just as good.
Despite that Gabrielle still needed some help. This was five barbarians against one battling bard. Gabrielle shouted out to Xena again for some assistance in the battle. As the battling bard awaited Xena she flipped into action again. “Twirling her trusty staff then jumping upon it she delivered kicks of such fury” flipping across the battlefield back toward camp “deflecting the thrust of a barbarian sword with her mighty abs.” From below, underneath the bed roll emerged an eerie sounding scream. It was Joxer terrified of the sudden interruption of his slumber. Gabrielle suddenly rose up from her deflection of the barbarian attack upon Joxer and head-butted him into submission. Gabrielle felt the agonizing pain echoing through her skull as she grabbed her forehead attempting to sooth the power of her uncontrollable defense against the barbarians. The barbarian sword thrust high up into the sky and then fell back down upon the earth again knocking down the barbarian leader from behind. As Gabrielle began to recover from the excruciating pain in her head she heard the barbarians shout out that they were retreating for the power of the battling bard had been too much for them to handle alone. The bard looked out across the forest and watched them ride away in an attempt to escape her new-found warrior wrath.
Gabrielle’s adrenalin was coursing through her veins like never before. She felt the high of the aftermath of her amazing battle and subsequent lone victory over the barbarians. Joxer shouted out against the barbarians a threatening word of warning as he found his way to his feet. Gabrielle turned to him with in her excitement and asked him if he had just seen all that had transpired. The battling bard was proud of the back flips that she had just effortlessly been able to do. As she was coming down from the warrior high she realized that there was something unusual about the fact that she had just done something that she had never been physically able to do before. She had never even attempted to practice a back flip before this moment. Joxer inquired about Gabrielle’s ab armor, but there was no armor. It was just the bard’s mighty abs that had saved Joxer from certain death by barbarian sword. Gabrielle began to find herself deconstructing what had just happened. It had all happened so fast and with out a thought. Xena was no where to be found. Gabrielle had no idea where those barbarians had come from, and what was even more strange to her was the fact that Joxer was standing before her. There had been no reason for him to be there. Gabrielle and Xena had not sent for him, and what he had been doing sleeping in Xena’s bed roll made absolutely no sense to the bard. Joxer was most certainly not sneaky enough to make it into their camp without either one of them knowing of his presence.
Suddenly, Gabrielle realized that everything that had just occurred seemed eerily familiar in some way. She dashed over to her bed roll and picked up her new scroll from its resting place and began to read it out loud. Moving to her feet Gabrielle continued to read until she realized that everything that had just happened had been written upon her new scroll. Joxer inquired of the bard asking her if what she said was true. Of course he was laughing the whole time. He didn’t believe that it was possible as he began to let out boisterous laughter. Gabrielle realized that her staff was still drilled tightly into the ground from her onslaught against the barbarians. She struggled to pull it out, but it felt very hot. The staff burned to the touch as Gabrielle yanked it out of the ground and then threw it at Joxer. Joxer caught the scalding staff and discovered what the bard had done with her fury and power. He stated the obvious back to the bard who decided that it was time to write something special for Joxer to do. “As the last of the barbarians fled the scene Joxer took the staff of Gabrielle unable to control himself. He hit himself once, twice, and then three times on the head with the staff only to knock himself off of his feet falling onto the ground.” Joxer was surprised by what he had just done and inquired of the bard why he had done that to himself. Gabrielle’s suspicion had been proven to be correct as she responded to the idiot that she had written that Joxer would do that to himself. She actually felt a little sorry about it, but the regret only lasted for a fleeting moment. The bard proudly declared that she could write anything and it would most certainly come true. Despite having proven her new theory she was still a little surprised at the power of the scroll that she had just begun to write the night before. Next came a new thought. The bard realized that she had the power to change the entire world just by the words that she would be inspired to write upon her scroll.
With that the bard invited Joxer to walk down the path with her toward the nearest village. They could go there and have a feast for breakfast. Joxer appeared confused and in a bit of a trance, but he just blindly followed the bard as she continued to express that she now held the power of the world within her hands. She was certain that Xena would be very proud when she had returned from her fishing trip that Gabrielle had written into the scroll. Gabrielle could not have given Xena a greater gift of solace than a fishing trip. Especially after suffering through the wrath of Ares. Joxer interrupted Gabrielle’s train of thought wondering why Gabrielle was so certain that Xena had gone fishing. Gabrielle had to explain to him that she had written it on her scroll so that was obviously where Xena was. For a moment there was silence and then Joxer grabbed the scroll from Gabrielle and wanted to know what it was that Gabrielle had written that had brought him to her. Joxer verbalized what he assumed Gabrielle had written by explaining that he had the heart of a lion and the soul of a warrior. Gabrielle found that she wasn’t even exactly certain how that happened, but was certain that her scroll would reveal all.
Joxer then began to read the scroll out loud from the beginning. As he attempted to read it Gabrielle realized that Joxer wasn’t the most literate. He mispronounced the word “fishing” and Gabrielle had to correct him. Then he continued on reading slowly until he found himself to the phrase he described as “funny.” As Joxer licked his lips within his confusion, the bard felt that he wasn’t completely wrong in thinking that the sentence which read “Gabrielle awoke with a jerk,” was strange and didn’t quite make sense. There was nothing grammatically wrong with the sentence, but when Gabrielle had written the sentence she had intended it to be more of a description about the lone warrior’s state in the moment rather than a description of an unmentioned character. The sentence had manifested itself to be more literal when it brought Joxer. Gabrielle was waiting for the moment when Joxer would come to the same realization that she had already arrived at. She could have written it stating that “the lone warrior Gabrielle awoke with Joxer,” but instead the lone warrior Gabrielle awoke with a “jerk.”
The idiot didn’t disappoint deciding that he must have come to Gabrielle’s camp on his own. He quickly lost interest in the said power of the scroll, rolled it up, and handed it back to the bard. He wanted to know what they were going to do next. Gabrielle repeated his question back to him with zest. She then asked him what they wouldn’t do. The lone warrior Gabrielle grabbed Joxer by the arm and began leading him down the road with her. She was really beginning to like the idea of embracing a side kick and eager student of her very own. The warrior bard expressed to her student that stories could be anything they wanted them to be and that happy endings could truly happen. As she continued on down the mentoring path with her student Gabrielle noticed that two sisters were approaching them. The appeared to be traveling with somber faces. She greeted them inquiring if indeed they were the sisters of Guya. Simultaneously they answered with a gracious affirmation of their identity as the bowed their heads upon approaching. The bard was now ready to demonstration to her student the power of her mighty quill. She then she inquired of the sisters of Guya if there was anything that she and her new side kick could do to help them. The younger, taller sister explained that the two of them were out and about collecting goods for their orphanage. They were collecting goods they could sell to raise funds at their shop in the nearby town. As the young sister continued the older shorter sister’s eyes lit up as she looked to Joxer stating that his scabbard would fetch a very high price.
As the older sister reached out for Joxer the jerk did not disappoint. He was certain that she was talking about and reaching out for his manhood which he hadn’t realized until this moment was standing high and proud. He glanced down and began to laugh and smile with a slight bit of embarressment. The sister appeared slightly confused at his response not realizing what he was thinking was not the same thing she was referring to as he explained that he would not give it up for just anyone. Despite that he was a man whore and expressed that he would be willing to take any pass at him for the sisters of Guya. Gabrielle quickly intervened clarifying for the idiot that it was not his manhood, but his scabbard. Joxer quickly became less excited by the prospect of giving something up for the sisters of Guya. He explained that he couldn’t give away his scabbard for their cause because it was the only thing that his father had ever given him. Gabrielle could relate to sentimental value. For a moment she thought of the large Trojan horse that she had once wished she could have taken with her. The older sister stated that it was unfortunate because it would have been a hot commodity back in Caucus. Joxer continued explaining that he just couldn’t give it away as the bard realized that she could resolve the embarressing moment with just a few strokes of her mighty quill.
“After realizing the power of the scroll, and the will of a mighty quill, Joxer and Gabrielle met the sisters of Guya. The sisters were seeking a donation from Joxer to their orphanage. But Joxer would not give up his scabbard because it had been given to him by his father. And so the bard Gabrielle wrote her magic and suddenly a kind man came from the woods offering his own gift, a kinsman sword. The sisters of Guya were delighted to receive such a wonderful gift. And so the good that was to be done by the will of the mighty quill had only just begun.”
Gabrielle wrote the above verse explaining to the sisters as she wrote that she was certain that they were about to receive a very nice surprise. The power of the mighty quill went into action almost instantly as both the “kind man” and the “kinsman sword” arrived right on command. As the younger sister held the magnificent weapon in her hand the older sister could barely contain her excitement at the gift. She raved about how that one singular gift could fund their orphanage for many years to come. The man vanished quickly down the road as the sisters found themselves to be utterly delighted to receive such a fine gift. Gabrielle then showed Joxer the verse that she had just written proving to the idiot once and for all that the bard had the power to change the world. The younger sister exclaimed that it was a miracle and with that the bard realized that her work with the sister’s of Guya was finished. The lone warrior bard grabbed the jerk by his chest-plate and proceeded to drag him on down the road with her to the nearest village tavern.
“The day went on as Gabrielle and Joxer entered a nearby tavern to have breakfast. Out of the kindness of his heart the tavern owner offered to Gabrielle and all who were in the tavern free food to eat and drinks on the house. And with that statement all who were at the tavern drank and ate joyfully together in the spirit of peace.” That was the bard’s plan all along. As the tavern keeper served the lone warrior and her sidekick breakfast Joxer began to pull out his bag of money. Gabrielle held up her hand and pulled out her mighty quill explaining to him that there was no longer any need for his money. Then she looked up to the tavern keeper and inquired of him how much they needed to pay for their meals. The tavern keeper seemingly fumbled for the words for just a moment, but then declared that it would be free and that the drinks would be “on the house.” The bard gleefully repeated exactly what she had written and exactly what had been declared by the tavern keeper. As she finished her statement the tavern ceiling began to drip, but then pour down upon the tavern. Suddenly, the bard realized that perhaps she needed to be a bit more careful in how she worded things because it seemed that the will of the quill was not always what she had intended. Despite this minor set back beer seemingly rained down every where and Joxer happily grabbed his mug and began to fill it up and drink up all of the abundance. The jerk then rolled over upon the table and drank like a fish.
As Gabrielle finished her glorious plate of abundant food most of the tavern patrons had become inebriated. Of course, abundant beer was still raining down upon them every where as patrons were passing out left and right. No matter, the bard was ready for more action with her mighty quill and to do good out in the world. She beckoned her student to come along with her for there was no time to waste as she rolled up her scroll. Unfortunately, as the lone warrior and her sidekick began to make their way out of the tavern one of the drunken patrons began an argument with the tavern keeper who attempted to kick him out for drinking more than his share of raining beer. The patron punched the tavern keeper and the bard commented that it was always that one drunk who would find a way to spoil to good drink for all.
At that point the tavern began to erupt into a massive bar fight as Joxer commented that there was definitely an army of drunken patrons to contend with. He then stated that at least things couldn’t get any worse than an all out brawl. The bard attempted to defend her mighty quill explaining that it was not the intention for her story to unfold that way. As the two companions turned to leave they were taken by surprise by the bold entrance into the tavern of the five barbarians that the lone warrior Gabrielle had defeated single-handed earlier in the day. The barbarian leader expressed his displeasure with having been made a fool by the lone warrior’s amazing fighting skills. He pointed his sword into the direction of the bard declaring that he and his vicious ugly men were barbarians. Again the bard chose to battle against the barbarians with her mighty quill as she pulled it out and wrote feverishly upon her scroll.
“Then the five barbarians returned for Gabrielle, but they didn’t stay long for they decided to go west instead.” Although the barbarian seemed confused for a moment he declared his next order of business to be to lead his men west. Gabrielle looked to Joxer and was pleased at how seemingly easy it was to change any given moment. As the barbarians exited the tavern and ran out to jump upon their horses to ride west one of the bar patrons exclaimed that they would be heading directly into the path of the sisters of Guya orphanage. “But the sister’s of Guya orphanage would be in their path so they turned east.” Though the barbarians suddenly shifted their destination from west to east, it did not matter because the drunken female bar patron then declared that the barbarians were headed toward the village of Echinecea. The sisters of Guya and their orphanage were now safe, but the innocent villagers of Echinecea were in grave danger. “The barbarians disappeared from the land!” Again the female bar patron exclaimed with alarm that the barbarians were now headed for the nearest port where they would most certainly kill all who sailed the seas. Gabrielle realized that she had to come up with a better plan. The bard continued to verbalize her thoughts as she wrote. “The barbarians went to the caves and fell into a deep sleep.” Joxer piped up a small word to the wise wondering if all of this sudden chaos surrounding them was all of the good that Gabrielle had planned on doing. The bard found herself to be frustrated and experience extremely bad writer’s block. With that she tossed her usual weapon of choice, the mighty quill, and the scroll of power into Joxer’s chest and declared that she refused to write another word upon the scroll. With that the bard walked out of the tavern of chaos that she had somehow created.
Joxer quickly followed behind attempting to comfort his friend feeling a little guilty for prodding her about her writer’s block. Gabrielle accepted his apology knowing that it was really her terrible writing that had caused all of the chaos to begin with. As they walked through the village she talked through her writer’s block with Joxer explaining that normally her writing is much more vivid and much better. It just didn’t make sense what had happened to her creative talents. For the first time it seemed that there was something missing from her writing. Joxer chimed in that perhaps her writing in this case was a little too vivid. Perhaps it needed a bit more work. Joxer suggested that Gabrielle should edit it. That idea sparked the bard’s mind and she realized that editing was exactly what her new magic scroll needed. Her faith in her writing had been restored. There was hope again. The lone warrior Gabrielle had now discovered the simple power of the scroll. She threw her arm around her student and declared that with careful editing she could easily end hunger, disease, and even war. That statement verbalized instantly inspired Gabrielle’s next words.
“Then the will of mortals won out…and war lost all its power.” Instantly the sounds of a deep screaming male voice came falling out of the sky down upon the village. It was Ares, the god of war. He was in a panic as he struggled to harness his immortal power. He was confused and upset for it seemed that his powers were now non-existent. He then looked up and noticed that he had been dropped down next to the bard. Ares glared at Gabrielle instantly realizing what had just happened to him. He charged at Gabrielle in anger exclaiming that his new predicament was the bard’s fault. The bard was confused attempting to defend herself from his accusation. He was right, but he was wrong because Gabrielle had not intended her use of the word “war” to mean Ares. Despite that she knew she had the solution and that she could fix the problem. She had to think fast because the enraged Ares was about to strike. “The force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers.” And then the sound of a woman’s voice screaming fell from the sky and dropped into the village landing upon the former god of war. Gabrielle found this to be very intriguing because the woman who had fallen from the sky was none other than the goddess of love Aphrodite.
The bard began to suspect that there was more to her magic scroll and her mighty quill than she had previously recognized. Something was definitely out of place. Ares was buried underneath the pink flowing gown of the love goddess who was nearly knocked unconscious by her fall. Ares barked at her inquiring if her solution of punishment against Gabrielle was to give her powers of destiny. The former god of war had a few choice words of his own to describe Gabrielle which were not at all flattering, but interesting none-the-less. Aphrodite responded in frustration that she had not given Gabrielle powers of destiny, but only enchanted a scroll. The former love goddess pressed Ares reminding him that there was no reason for him to be surprised because it was Ares himself whom had instructed her to act against Gabrielle’s uncontrollable writings. Ares rose up onto his elbows and explained himself to his sister again explaining that what he really wanted was to get Xena out of the way. Aphrodite defended her actions reminding Ares that enchanting the scroll worked in at least getting the warrior princess out of the way. However, it was not expected that Ares would lose all of his powers.
At this point the bard decided that she would interrupted this little conspiracy conversation just to clarify what she had just heard. She repeated that Aphrodite had enchanted her scroll with the intention of harming Xena as an inquiry. Love and War glared as the looked to the bard and then back at each other. Then Aphrodite explained that Ares had only been using her to get what he wanted for himself. He was indeed the master manipulator having been successful at turning love against the world. Aphrodite rose to her feet and continued to explain to Gabrielle the situation. She stated that he had an army somewhere in the valley that was ready to reign down upon every one and start a new war. Ares simply wanted Xena out of the way so he had manipulated Aphrodite into becoming mad at the bard. Gabrielle realized that in a way, Aphrodite was also a victim of her brother’s wrath. She deduced that Ares was probably even the one who had convinced some young weak-minded children to deface Aphrodite’s temple in order to goad her into becoming mad at the bard. Gabrielle was touched by both Aprhodite’s heart-felt confession of her crime and Ares’s interest in her scrolls. He must have read at least a few of them otherwise he would not have known what to tell those vandals to write.
Ares rose to his feet and badgered his sister patronizing her for figuring out his real intentions. Aphrodite reminded her brother that though she was light at heart she was not stupid. Then Aphrodite looked to Gabrielle and suggested a simple solution to the problem. She politely asked the bard to just write upon the enchanted scroll in order to restore Aphrodite’s powers. Once that happened Aphrodite could simply zap the scroll and everything would be normal again. Gabrielle could see that Aphrodite was not malicious like Ares. Indeed she had her selfish side, but she was playful and more interested in delighting herself with the pleasures of love than in reigning war down upon the land. Ares also chimed in politely explaining that he needed his powers to written back in first so he could rejoin the waiting army and give them the signal that Xena was no longer in the valley. Aphrodite reminded her brother that he wasn’t helping his cause by openly declaring that he wanted to rejoin his waiting army. Ares tried again. This time he promised that he would not allow the army to attack this time as long as Gabrielle gave him back his powers. Aphrodite laughed at her brother knowing just how ridiculous a lie he was openly telling. Ares took a jab at her reminding her that she could no longer fly now that she was as powerless as he was.
Joxer finally opened his mouth again and addressed Aphrodite. He was sure that if Aphrodite undid the power of the enchanted scroll then it would bring Xena back and the army would be too afraid to attack the valley. Gabrielle thought for a moment and then looked to Joxer declaring that indeed what he had just said made sense. It was a rare occurrence, but sometimes even Joxer had a good idea and that was what was needed in the moment. “Aphrodite is as she was before.” Instantly, Aphrodite’s powers were restored as she disappeared from her spot in the village and then suddenly there was the sound of a woman’s voice screaming raining down upon the village from the sky. Again Aphrodite fell down upon Ares knocking him to the ground. Joxer declared “she is as she was before.” Then he stated in a matter of fact tone that it was definitely all in the wording. At this point Gabrielle was afraid to write anymore. She just wanted the chaos to end and for every thing to be back to the way it was before she ever began writing “The Quill is Mightier.” Gabrielle’s next idea was that just maybe if she could fill up the scroll with random characters completely then maybe the curse upon them could end. Aphrodite looked up at the bard from her place on top of the frustrated Ares and was offended that Gabrielle now viewed her gift of the enchanted scroll as a curse. Aphrodite and Ares rose from the ground to their feet and Aphrodite continued explaining that once the scroll was filled up that was where it would end. Whatever was written on it would stay the way it was as Gabrielle had written it.
Joxer chimed in again and stated that all Gabrielle needed to write was simply that “everything is as it was before.” Aphrodite sarcastically replied to the idot explaining that Joxer’s chosen phrase would not work. All that would happen in that instance would be that every person on the earth would go out of existence as they were before they were born into the world and the gods would go back to their infant origins. Aphrodite then inquired if the bard had written Joxer into her scroll. She appeared to be annoyed by the idiot. Gabrielle attempted to cover her mistake in calling him a jerk, but as she handed the scroll to Ares he read it out loud, “Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.” Aphrodite laughed delighted at the brilliant double meaning of the word. Ares nodded his head and Gabrielle carefully looked to Joxer hoping that his naive mind would still be unable to decipher what the enchanted scroll had done. Joxer did not understand the double meaning because he didn’t understand why everyone thought waking up was such a funny phrase.
Then it dawned on Gabrielle that the only real way to solve this dilema was to deconstruct everything she had written thus far. He first order of business would be to bring Xena back. It was the first thing she had written upon the scroll. As Gabrielle stood flanked by both Ares and Aphrodite attempting to solve the riddle Ares had a brilliant idea. His inspiration was, “Xena rides in at the head of an army.” He was absolutely certain of the beauty of that phrase. Gabrielle reminded Ares that it sounded great out loud, but when she put it on paper Xena might ride in heading up an army of ants or children, or even harpes. Joxer interrupted reminding everyone that a description of the army and of Xena was they key. A burst of inspiration flowed through Gabrielle’s soul as she jumped with excitement. “Suddenly, there was the arrival of the woman.” This was Gabrielle’s initial inspired creative thought interrupted by Ares’s creativity which included “leather.” Gabrielle agreed that the leather should be at least mentioned. She also thought it might be important to mention that Xena had black hair and that she carried a chakram. Joxer interrupted the creative process as he was hunched over propping up the enchanted scroll upon his back. He wanted to know if anyone really understood what Xena’s magnificent weapon really was. He wasn’t even certain that the scroll would know what a chakram was. Again, Gabrielle realized that Joxer did have a point. Then she decided that Xena should be carrying her whip in order to clarify it for the scroll.
Gabrielle suddenly moved to write the next phrase, “Suddenly, there was the arrival of the woman wearing leather carrying the whip of Xena.” Just as the quill marked the last word on upon the parchment the sound of a whip whirred in through the air. Gabrielle and her creative comrades ducked to miss being smacked by its fury. Ares demanded to know who the woman with black hair and leather was that now stood before them with Xena’s whip. Gabrielle couldn’t believe who she had brought with the enchanted scroll until she explained to Ares that Minya was a friend from the village of Laurel that she had Xena had met when fighting the giant Gareth and Zagrious’s army. The bard suddenly remembered that the whip was a poor choice for the enchanted scroll because Gabrielle had traded Xena’s whip for a frying pan in that adventure. Ares was clearly disgusted, disappointed, and frustrated all at the same time. The enchanted scroll certainly had a sense of humor. Minya expressed her confusion not knowing why she had suddenly arrived in this random village, but she was ready for action none-the-less for Xena’s whip never left her side. As Minya approached Gabrielle she wanted to know who all of Gabrielle’s companions were. Gabrielle introduced Ares, Aphrodite, and Joxer. It seemed necessary. Joxer was now standing next to Minya pleased to be acquainted with a new dark female warrior in leather, but Minya was much more interested in Ares. Minya showered Ares with praise and worship ecstatic to be in his presence. Ares was pleased to be openly worshipped as was Aprhodite who immediately received praise from Minya also. Then Minya looked to Joxer and apologized for not really having ever heard of him.
Gabrielle realized that things were becoming a lot more complicated with each and every word transcribed onto the scroll. She decided that maybe it was time to go back to the tavern, relax, and grab something for her now empty stomach. A full stomach might help the bard in being able to focus a bit better. Minya was pleased by the idea as was Joxer, and when the five comrades arrived the chaos was still ensuing. Beer still rained down from the ceiling and the food was still free. At least that was something good that was happening. And the longer the five of them sat at the table drinking, and eating, the less attractive the former gods became to their new found fan club. Aphrodite was enjoying the experience of being mortal within her drunken stooper. But then Minya chimed in that despite her boyfriend Hower being an extreme fan of the beautiful goddess, Minya had decided that she would go back to Laurel and share with him how plain and dirty and mortal Aphrodite had become. Ares found Minya’s wit to be quite amusing while Aphrodite wasn’t so pleased to be described as dirty as a wagon wheel. Both Ares and Minya were also drunk, but they were happy drunks.
The bard had decided that she would stay sober in order to solve this problem with the enchanted scroll. At least everyone else was entertained enough to stay out of her creative process. Joxer was attempting to find the best way to capture the been falling from the ceiling. He had built a contraption which fit upon his head and was trying to determine the best way to make it work for him. Gabrielle couldn’t believe the absolute disaster her writer’s block had become. She was supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories. Now it seemed she wasn’t capable of writing a happy ending without creating it poorly. Joxer snapped out of his obsession with beer and looked to Gabrielle. He scolded her for thinking that all of her stories were bad. Joxer expressed himself openly stating that he thought most of her stories were good and not everything always turned to disaster when she wrote them. Then Joxer reminded Gabrielle that the sister’s of Guya had received a happy ending. Just as Gabrielle was beginning to think that Joxer was very kind the sisters of Guya arrived in the tavern and told the tale of how they had sold their kinsman sword for a king’s ransom to the warlord Philiodos. Gabrielle looked across the tavern to see the warlord gorging himself on the free produce he had collected as he ate the fruit right off of his sword. Joxer was content with that knowing that the sisters of Guya orphanage was funded for many years to come. Gabrielle was embarressed because she knew that now a warlord was well-armed with an amazing weapon.
Gabrielle attempted to correct her most recent known literary mistake. “The woman was not Xena, but her friend Minya of Laurel. Xena goes to a number one friend. Xena rejoins the woman who brought her new life. And now Xena returns from her journey.” Suddenly, a man dressed in golden armor burst through the doors of the tavern and declared Philiodos to be a dead man. Gabrielle looked up from her writing and realized that somehow that kinsman sword belonged to the man now standing in the door threatening to kill. The bard jumped up from her place at the table and demanded that the man in the door wait just one moment before acting upon his desire. His attention was redirected and the bard asked him what his name was. He stated that it was Scaberus and then wanted to know the reason for the bard’s interest. “Scaberus the man whom had offered his kinsman sword to the sisters of Guya arrived at the tavern, and decided that he too would go to the caves with the barbarians to get some deep sleep.” Then Scaberus made his declaration and exited the tavern for his new destination. Ares looked across the tavern to Gabrielle and reminded the bard that the caves would eventually become dangerously full. Gabrielle did not care too much for his comment. It was stating the obvious, but it was all that she could come up with in order to keep the chaos at a distance until she could figure out a real literary solution.
As Gabrielle left the tavern her dismal entourage followed. Her endless creative frustrations were growing within. The bard was barely able to contain her anger at the situation. She openly decided that instead of writing in the scroll that Xena should come to them perhaps the solution would be to go out to the nearby lakes and streams in a search to find Xena themselves. The bard guessed maybe it was a trout stream since Xena’s favorite fish was trout, but then again, it could be any body of water from the Strymon to the Agean. Who knew exactly where Gabrielle had sent Xena. It could take years to find her. Gabrielle threw down her scroll upon the table outside the tavern and walked off. She couldn’t handle the pressure any more. It was too much. As Gabrielle hoped that she might be able to find Xena somewhere fishing nearby the next verse found its way upon the unattended enchanted scroll.
“A warrior Joxer the Mighty,
asked a boon from the God Aphrodite,
and what a surprise he saw,
but love’s eyes three times…
Gabrielle had only gone back into the tavern to retrieve her staff that she had almost left behind, and when she found her way back out side to rejoin her companions there before her was something horrific. Three naked Gabrielle’s were dancing in the middle of the town on top of a veranda. They were intriguing yet quite an embarressment to see a reflection of oneself three times. Gabrielle then looked to Joxer who was holding the quill in his hand. Gabrielle suddenly realized that somehow Joxer had written Gabrielle naked into the enchanted scroll. The bard was furious with Joxer. She ripped the scroll off of the table and looked to see what it was that Joxer had written. He attempted to explain that he was only intending to edit the scroll a little. As Gabrielle read out loud Joxer’s attempt at a limerick. Joxer explained that he had a little trouble filling in that last line and inquired if Gabrielle had any ideas on how to finish it. Gabrielle could barely contain her anger as it boiled from the depths of her soul. It wasn’t the kind of anger one feels when they have a lust for blood. Instead it was extreme frustration and embarressment. Gabrielle grabbed Joxer by his chest plate and dragged him up close to her. She whispered an angry inquiry asking of him what “love’s eyes” had to do with her. Gabrielle feared the worst as she ran through how to solve the new problem of three naked Gabrielle’s dancing and running around in the streets.
As Joxer fumbled for an answer to his riddle Gabrielle thought that perhaps it was Aphrodite’s eyes that Joxer had been looking at in the moment that he had written those words upon Aphrodite’s enchanted scroll. Then that didn’t quite make sense. Unless it was Aphrodite’s eyes that were looking in the direction of Gabrielle in the moment when the thought was inspired for the limerick. Aprhodite must have fed Joxer those words who only transcribed what Aphrodite had told him to. Joxer was in worship of the goddess and she enjoyed his admiration. That made sense to the bard. Joxer confirmed the bard’s thought laughing nervously as he instructed Gabrielle to send the naked Gabrielle’s away to the end line of the limerick,” three Gabrielle’s to the caves go nighty.” Of course Joxer the man whore was in no hurry to send the girls away. Gabrielle wrestled the quill from his grasp as he and everyone else continued to stare at the spectacle both he and Aphrodite had created.
The day had been truly exhausting not only for the bard, but for everyone else within her company that the scroll had brought along. Gabrielle led everyone back to camp hoping that maybe Xena would return from fishing on her own. The next morning came and the lone warrior Gabrielle awoke with an necklace upon her chest. She was still half sleepying as she rose up from her slumber to get a better look at the unexpected surprise. From behind she heard Joxer’s voice hoping that she would like the gift. The bard was flattered that Joxer had given her a gift. She accepted it stating that it was a beautiful gift. The bard was not certain why Joxer would just go out and buy her a necklace. Joxer explained that he had bought it to make-up and to apologize for writing the three naked Gabrielle’s. Gabrielle chuckled at the simplicity of Joxer’s train of thought. It was admirable, but before the bard could have another thought Joxer explained that he had to trade his father’s scabbard to buy it. At this moment the tone of Gabrielle’s mind delved back toward frustration. She was hoping that she had not heard him correctly. She asked him to repeat what he had just said. Joxer repeated his statement even louder than before. Gabrielle rose to her knees and faced Joxer. She scolded him for having sold his father’s scabbard because he had only on the morning before flatly rebuffed the sisters of Guya. Joxer did not agree with the bard’s opinion that he should not have sold it for the necklace. He tried to explain why the necklace was so much more important than the sisters of Guya. Gabrielle didn’t want to hear it. A new problem had just been created. She hadn’t even written on the scroll, but she was sure that someone else would if they hadn’t already.
Gabrielle approached Joxer to reveal that she had hidden the scroll for safe keeping inside his father’s scabbard. Joxer at first thought that it was a game until Gabrielle reached out, grabbed Joxer’s nose, and attempted to rip it off of his face. Gabrielle screamed in frustration and Joxer screamed out in pain waking the rest of the sleeping beauties. Joxer explained that he had traded a peddler for the necklace and that they could easily get the scroll back. Joxer begged for Gabrielle to release his nose as he was certain that the peddler would not easily figure out the power of the enchanted scroll inside. “And then it began to rain riches all over the town. Dinars, dinars, all around the town raining dinars!” In the next moment the woman from the tavern on the day before came running through the woods shouting out that it was raining riches around town. She urged everyone to hurry to gather their riches. All Gabrielle wanted to do next was to strangle Joxer for his idiocy. It wasn’t enough of a challenge to be dealing with an unruly scroll combined with writer’s block, two mortal gods, Minya and no Xena.
After Gabrielle had taken out all of her lone warrior frustrations upon Joxer she regained her composure and gathered her misfit troops declaring that she knew exactly what she would have to write next. The only problem now was that they had to get the scroll back. Ares was obviously not convinced that Gabrielle had the answer. She hadn’t proven herself worthy of the answer thus far. She realized that he was just grumpy having been stuck within a mortal body for over 12 hours. Despite his mortality he was no less manipulative. She gleefully told Ares that the answer to his question was a creative secret she would keep to herself. Gabrielle then commanded both Aphrodite and Minya to team up and go into town to find out where the peddler had gone. Gabrielle then revealed that she would team up with Ares and they would go look for the peddler where it was still raining dinars. Joxer wanted to know what his role in Gabrielle’s plan was. Gabrielle walked over to the tree where she had tied him up to keep him out of her way. She then untied him and instructed him to go to the caves with the rest of the bunch she had sent there. She was pretty certain he would have no trouble taking that order.
It wasn’t long before Gabrielle and Ares found themselves to be hot on the peddler’s trail. As they rounded the corner out of the woods through the meadow Gabrielle noticed that there were a pair of deep ruts created by most likely a pair of wagon wheels. Gabrielle explained to Ares that she thought it might be carrying a load of dinars which meant that they were on the right trail. Strangely Ares was impressed. He asked the lone warrior where she had learned to read trails so well. Naturally Gabrielle responded that it was the warrior princess who had taught her that skill. Gabrielle explained that if one hung around Xena long enough one could learn anything about the warrior arts. The lone warrior went on to explain that it was all about focus. Ares agreed with Gabrielle on that point. With pride he declared that he had been the one who had been able to harness Xena’s natural gifts and power and to give the warrior princess her ability to focus. He explained that when Xena had first come to him she had just been another lost power-hungry warlord. Ares prided himself on having given Xena a purpose.
Gabrielle took the opportunity to remind Ares that Xena had a different purpose in the present alongside the bard. Ares regretfully agreed with Gabrielle on this point stating that he was aware of just how good Xena was at fighting for the cause of the greater good. He went onto admire what she had done up against him when he had gotten her put on trial for the murders of those innocent villagers. Gabrielle turned to Ares as they walked and stopped to face him. She asked him about his opinion on how Xena was able to wiggle her way out of the bind he had recently put her in up against the furies. Ares admitted that it was indeed a stroke of brilliance on Xena’s part. He was like a proud father describing how Xena approaches all of her foes with her steel gaze. He smiled as he thought of Xena’s gaze as did the bard. The two foes were finding a moment of true relatability with one another as Gabrielle smiled at the image in her mind of Xena’s steel gaze. Then there was an awkward moment of silence between them. Gabrielle looked to the deep wagon tracks and then followed them into the distances toward the caves. She pointed out her latest observation to Ares. Ares agreed with her accessment. Then within another awkward moment of silence between them Ares revealed that he felt that the two of them were just starting to warm up to one another with in their conversation. Gabrielle did indeed notice the feeling too. It was slightly off-putting. Ares expressed that he really didn’t feel that he enjoyed feeling warm toward Gabrielle. Gabrielle agreed that the feeling was mutual as the agreed to move on toward the caves together.
Upon entering the caves both Gabrielle and Ares prepared their weapons for they weren’t exactly sure what they would find when the ventured inside. Soon they found themselves startled by Joxer popping his head up from behind the sleeping barbarians. Gabrielle barked out a command for him to get away from the barbarians. He pleaded with the bard to allow him to disarm them while they slept. Gabrielle was certain that no matter what it was that Joxer thought he was doing to help he would most certainly make matters worse for everyone. Joxer argued with the bard that he would not make things worse as long as he didn’t wake anyone up before he finished the job and found the peddler. Obviously, even Joxer had learned something in his travels with the warrior princess. He had been able to deduce that the wagon tracks belonged to the peddler. From behind inside of another chamber with in the cave a man emerged holding a scroll. Joxer turned when he noticed the man’ footsteps approaching and shouted out that the man was the peddler he had traded with on the night before.
The peddler appeared to be confused about his situation and suddenly Scaberus ran into the cave from another chamber. His sword was drawn and he was ready to do battle to recover his kinsman sword. Scaberus was certain that one of the people occupying the cave had to be carrying his sword. He wrestled the scroll from the peddler with his sword as Joxer recovered it from the peddler from the cave floor. Joxer then threw the scroll to Gabrielle as the barbarians a began awakening from their deep sleep. Gabrielle caught the scroll and then ran toward the barbarians hoping to knock them out the the scroll before they had a chance to react. Ares followed with his sword drawn. Joxer attempted to run out of the cave entrance only to smack into Minya and Aphrodite who had just found their way to the peddler’s location. Both Minya and Joxer laid flat on the ground as Ares shouted out to Aphrodite to follow him with Gabrielle and the scroll. The dazed and confused barbarians scattered.
Gabrielle desparately searched for a quiet place with in the caves to transcribe her solution to the enchanted scroll upon the scroll itself. She found herself blindly running into Scaberus again who swiped in from her grasp. Scaberus then ran into Joxer, who ran into the peddler and the three naked Gabrielles. Then the barbarians came along and swiped the scroll from Joxer’s grasp. Everyone was descending upon the power of enchantment as Gabrielle followed the echoing sounds through the cave to everyone’s location. She found a low position from which to attack the barbarians as they tripped over her outstreatched staff along the floor of the cave. With that the bard had reached success and retrieved the scroll disappaearing alone through the maze of caverns until she found the perfect quiet spot to open the enchanted scroll and to end this chaotic literary mess once and for all. “All who were enchanted went into the caves and then out again. One following the other all in search of Xena the warrior princess the scroll went.” Just as Gabrielle had finished transcribing her literary solution everyone in the caves descended upon her. She waived the scroll high up into the air and demanded that everyone stay back. Then she went for it she threw the scroll through the air at random and then the peddler emerged capturing it and running off through the maze. Gabrielle instructed everyone that the scroll knew the way out of the caves and that all should follow.
And so the parade of chaos began led by first the peddler, then three naked Gabrielle’s, five barbarians, Scaberus, Minya with the whip of Xena, the mortal Ares, the lone warrior Gabrielle, the mortal Aphrodite, and finally Joxer the jerk. The four original companions were out of breath as the took a moment to gather themselves. Joxer wanted to know what Gabrielle had written in the scroll and the bard revealed to him that she had written to send it to the warrior princess. She had only hoped that she had been able to phrase it right this time. The four companions moved forward following the trail of the parade of chaos. Gabrielle remembered that there was still one serious problem that even the scroll couldn’t solve. She demanded that Ares find his army in the valley and stop them from attacking everyone. Ares claimed that he could only do that if he had his godly powers. Until then he was powerless to stop them. Ares declared that he would later punish Thelonious and his army in some horrible way. The bard reminded Ares that there would be innocent people who would die at the hands of his army if it wasn’t stopped soon. Gabrielle was frustrated that Ares didn’t have the courage to just go into the valley where his hidden army was waiting to instruct them not to attack. She boldly stated that with or with out the god of war she and the rest of her companions would fight the warlord to stop him. Aphrodite turned to Gabrielle and expressed that she had no interest in being a part of fighting against Thelonious’s army. She had never agreed to do that for anyone. As Gabrielle was about to respond Joxer stopped, raised his hand and took a deep whiff of the surrounding air. Aphrodite scolded Joxer for pointing out her mortal faults. Joxer attempted to ease Aphrodite’s concern about what he was smelling stating that it only smelled like fish. Aphrodite was upset knowing that her mortal hygene skills were not up to speed. She was normally a goddess and had no need to worry about such matters. Gabrielle watched as the mortal goddess of love began to have an uncontrollable emotional breakdown in front of everyone. The smell was too strong to be just coming from Aphrodite herself.
Gabrielle took a whiff of the air also. Then from around the corner emerged Xena the warrior princess dragging a wagon load of fish behind her. Xena smiled when she caught sight of Gabrielle and her band of misfit companions. Then she approached the bard and pulled out the enchanted scroll asking Gabrielle if she had been looking for it. Gabrielle reached for the enchanted scroll, but Xena would not surrender it. Instead the warrior princess explained that she had taken it from a peddler, chased by barbarians, then chased by three naked Gabrielles. Xena looked to the bard showing Gabrielle just how amused she was by seeing Gabrielle naked three times. Gabrielle chuckled to herself for a moment at the thought that must have been going through the warrior princess’s mind when she saw that particular group of gals. Xena said that she then saw Minya chasing them with her whip and was indeed still chasing everyone. Xena said that seeing all of that was what had led her to read Gabrielle’s scroll. Gabrielle admitted that it was most definitely not her best work. Xena agreed completely, but was curious as to who wrote the limerick. She considered that it could have been Gabrielle, but then Joxer chimed in and proudly accepted credit for his limerick. Xena wasn’t impressed nor surprised that it had been Joxer. Gabrielle explained all of the ways that she had attempted to bring Xena back through the scroll. “Xena goes to a number one friend.” Xena stated that the scroll had taken her to a friend that she hadn’t seen since she was five years old. It was her first friend ever.
Ares then chimed in asking Xena about his contribution to the scroll, “Xena rejoins the woman who brought her to a new life.” Xena picked up a large fish and held it up saying that her mother wanted to thank Gabrielle for all of the fish that Xena had brought to her courtesy of Gabrielle’s scroll. The bard was about to ask the warrior princess why she didn’t decide on her own to come back and find out what was going on with these strange urges that she had been feeling. Xena already knew what the bard was thinking and admitted that after visiting her mom she had planned on rejoining the bard, but was overcome by the irresistable urge to return to fishing. Xena was certain that was at about the same time that Gabrielle had written upon the scroll, “And now Xena returns from her journey.” Xena continued as she explained upon feeling that second urge to go fishing that something somewhere was going wrong. She explained that she had visited almost everyone she had ever known who had meant anything to her with the exception of Gabrielle. The warrior princess looked to Gabrielle and said that was when she realized where she needed to go next. She needed to return to Gabrielle. Gabrielle felt warmth in her heart to know that all of her frustrations with the creative process had only brought out the best most tender-hearted moment in Xena. Gabrielle was pleased at this break through in their friendship, but the mortal goddess of love interrupted their love fest with her own selfish concerns. She was becoming extremely frustrated with suffering through mortality and wanted it corrected as soon as possible. Joxer reminded every one that stopping the warlord Thelonious was also on the list of problems that needed a resolution with the help of the warrior princess. However, Aphrodite was still very uninterested in the problems of war.
Xena then approached Aphrodite inquiring about the charm that Aphrodite had used upon the scroll when she had enchanted it. She needed to know the exact words. Aphrodite thought about it for a moment and then revealed to the warrior princess this phrase, “Lies will make the world go round till truer words are written down.” Xena thought about it for a moment and then revealed that the solution was simple. Instead of writing fiction, Gabrielle needed to write the truth. In a way, it was Xena who had inspired Aphrodite to charm the scroll because it was on the night before the chaos that Xena had suggested Gabrielle write fiction. It was obvious that Gabrielle should not at all be writing fiction. There was still the problem of the warlord Thelonious. Xena wasn’t at all worried about that. She declared that she could handle that job on her own. Her main concern was that Gabrielle write down upon the enchanted scroll exactly what she saw as Xena would fight the warlord and his army. Aphrodite’s faith in the mortal ability to problem solve had been shattered over the past two days. She wasn’t so certain that her godhood would be restored. The former goddess wanted to know how she would be certain Xena’s plan would work. Xena explained that she would know when her powers would restore themselves. Xena had confidence in Gabrielle’s ability to write truth. It seemed the warrior princess was a little soft toward Aphrodite realizing that it was all a set up by Ares all along. Then Xena grabbed her wagon load of fish and began to look for a vantage point for defense with her fish against the army of Thelonious.
Secretly Gabrielle wasn’t as confident in her ability as Xena was. Xena had not just suffered through the same two days of chaos that the rest of the crew had. Joxer dragging one of Xena’s fish along with him after smacking himself on the chin approached Gabrielle and asked her what was wrong. Gabrielle had hoped that she could hide her lack of confidence, but Joxer obviously could read her better than she realized. Gabrielle had to openly admit that writing action was not exactly her strongest point as a bard. Ares could not believe what he had just heard. He stepped around to the opposite side of Aphrodite, pausing only to sniff her mortal stench momentarily, as he verbalized that he couldn’t believe that Gabrielle followed Xena around the known world all day, every day without being able to write in some action. He wanted to know exactly how the bard was able to accomplish this as Aphrodite stuggled to keep composure over her brother’s momentary slam against her obviously poor hygene. Ares eagerly awaited the bard’s answer. Gabrielle began to explain gleefully that her method in doing this was simply in the fact that she used mostly metaphors. Gabrielle stated that such metaphors included phrases like, “Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.” Then she realized that Ares was also taking a jab at her. Gabrielle was frustrated enough. She didn’t need to stand before the former god of war and take his verbal abuse against her. The bard began to move away from her group of misfit creative partners, but before she could walk away Joxer grabbed her by the shoulder and reminded her that she couldn’t use metaphors this time. For if Gabrielle used metaphors they might find themselves picking up the remaining exploded pieces of Xena’s body from the certain instant explosion that would happen immediately after writing that phrase upon the enchanted scroll. Despite all of Joxer’s idiocy he seemingly continued to offer some interesting feedback in the process and this observation was no exception. Gabrielle looked to Joxer slightly worried yet surprised at his morbid outlook. She just hoped that she wouldn’t write anything more that would hurt anyone or kill anyone. Killing Xena with her quill had never occurred to her, but apparently anything went with Aphrodite’s enchanted scroll.
Upon finding the perfect vantage point to view the battle which was expected to occur between Xena and Thelonious’s army Gabrielle soon heard the sounds of the army approaching from within the trees around the bend. Suddenly, Thelonious appeared with his rag tag army following closely behind. He barked out commands to them as they approached. Xena didn’t waist time as she began her onslaught against them with her wagon load of weapons. Before the men had time to act they were being pummeled with trout, and perch, and anything one could possibly imagine from the various species of known fish. The smell was awful as the men collapsed onto the ground in a mass of expected chaos. There was so much fish now covering the ground the rest of the approaching army slipped and fell to the ground unable to handle the massive attack of fish against them. The warrior princess cried out as she battled them bravely. Gabrielle and her creative comrades knelt down behind Xena in the trees just beyond Xena’s position as the bard began to write.
“Xena fought the army of the warlord Thelonious. For two days Ares had planned for this battle all day long.” Gabrielle continued writing as Joxer began calling out the actions. “Xena leads with a pike, then a trout, bam, bam two quick bass. Oh, he is taking it on the chin.” Gabrielle quickly added in to the scroll, “Xena threw a starfish at the warriors. Then Xena laughed, picked up a giant squid, and wound her arm around for the throw.” Joxer continued on, “That octopus came out of nowhere. She must have thrown that just for the howl of it.” Then Joxer laughed at his own ridiculous joke. “Ares took over asking Gabrielle to write that Xena hit the warrior with a squid. Joxer argued with Ares declaring that it was not a squid, but an octopus, but Ares countered confident that Joxer had been wrong and that it indeed was a squid that Xena had just thrown.”
“Gabrielle hesitated for a moment as they worked out their creative differences and then continued to write upon the scroll as Xena then threw a sword fish like a javelin at another warrior hitting him in the head. As the enemy sank to the ground she reached for her chakram, but instead grabbed an eel, pausing to notice, then throwing the eel like it was her chakram knocking out two more warriors. When the eel returned to the warrior princess it was no longer in the form of a chakram. Xena threw it aside then she grabbed another big fish and slapped it across the faces of two other warriors.” Ares interupted Gabrielle’s connection to her mighty quill and interjected that Gabrielle should write that Xena whacked the warrior with her sword. Gabrielle wasn’t so certain that was even a real word. Joxer interjected editing Ares’s literary suggestion with an alternate word for “whacked.” Gabrielle was not convinced that Joxer’s word “hit” as a good literary choice despite that she continued writing, “Xena hit the warrior with her sword then fought with the warrior leader Thelonious. As Joxer continued to give Gabrielle the correct words, and descriptions of Xena’s battle against Thelonious he stopped for a moment, and inquired about the earlier phrase ‘Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.’ The bard was delighted at the thought and then Ares demanded that the creative writing team keep to the task at hand.”
“Suddenly, Minya arrived along side Gabrielle and her team. She declared in a whisper that she was “ready for action.” Gabrielle was surprised to see Minya. She seemed to appear out of nowhere. Gabrielle was going to be out of scroll soon as everyone stood up to get a better look at what was happening on the battle field. Joxer inquired of Minya about what had happened to those barbarians she had been chasing. Minya declared that the barbarians had suddenly decided to stop fighting and head back to Barbaria. She defeated him as the barbarians turned around and went back to their homes in Barbaria. And with that Minya stepped forward ready to join Xena in the battle. Minya said, “I’m ready for action. I’m going to crack some heads.’ Then Joxer and Minya looked to one another as Aphrodite became a goddess once again. Then Aphrodite enchanted Joxer and Minya with a love spell and said, ‘I’m back! Later.’ Then the restored goddess of love disappeared with in a bright light and went home to Mount Olympus. As soon as Aphrodite disappeared her enchantment spell wore off. Joxer’s fish stuck between himself and Minya turned Minya’s raging hormones off. Joxer apologized for his slimy fish, but Minya instantly pushed him away. Gabrielle’s eyes darted back into the direction of the battle. She watched as Xena ducked the advance of Thelonious’s raging sword, and quickly took the offensive advantage against him using her sword to swipe his feat from beneath. Thelonious fell to the groudn as Xena spun around and sheathed her sword into it’s scabbard upon her back. Xena was intense in battle. She jumped up and back flipped onto her fish wagon catapulting the remaining baskets of fish into the air across the battle down onto the warlord and his men. Fish piled onto Thelonious rendering him helpless to continue the fight. As Thelonious’s men began to scatter Ares become a god. Ares wound up his fist into a ball, harnessed his godly force from within his breath, and managed to shake out a mighty bolt of lightening across the battle field. The lightening bolt of godly force struck one of Thelonious’s men as he tried to escape the wrath against him. Ares shouted out, ‘Run maggot!’ Then he laughed and Gabrielle was taken by surprise. One bolt of the god of war’s fury against Thelonious’s man wasn’t enough as the god repeated his previous action.”
Gabrielle paused in her writing realizing that the story of the mighty quill was coming to an end as things were begining to become normal again. The god of war now had his powers back and Xena had won the battle the battle against Thelonious and his army. Gabrielle felt the power from just over her shoulder. It was an entrancing dark power as she turned toward the attraction she was beginning to feel toward Ares. She looked into his eyes and he gazed deeply into hers. His strong sexy appearance was nearly over whelming. Then he pointed down to the bard’s chest and inquired about it. Gabrielle looked down to see what he was looking at only to be smacked in the face by the god of war. He then laughed maniacally at his own joke at her expense, as we walked off into the forest disappearing with in the power of his godly force. His triumphant laughter echoed as he left. Gabrielle shook her head. She realized that she was finding herself to be attracted to him, but the moment had thankfully passed and she had regained her sane mind and senses. She couldn’t believe the gall of Ares.
Then Minya comment that she had expected much more from the god of war. She was clearly disappointed in his performance. Minya continued describing her thoughts out loud of the god of war. She thought that it was only his powers that made him. He would be just another regular guy if it weren’t for his entrancing sexy self. Gabrielle could relate to Minya’s sudden entranced hormones. The god of war’s essence obviously wasn’t completely gone. As Joxer stood by listening to this conversation of women and their hormones, Gabrielle inquired to Minya about how hers were feeling. Gabrielle just wanted to hear her admit that they were uncontrollable. Ares did indeed have power over the female urges. Minya explained that she had to leave for it was very important that she return home to Laurel to visit her boyfriend Hower. And with that Minya left for Laurel as Joxer expressed that he thought Minya was a strange woman. Gabrielle nodded in agreement as Xena approached the conversation. The bard looked to Xena and declared that things appeared to be well in the moment. Xena very pleased at their work and agreed that indeed everything was now back to normal. Joxer pointing toward Gabrielle’s scroll with his giant fish noticed that there was still a little bit of space left at the bottom. Gabrielle thought about the idea for a moment and suggested that there was perhaps something else to write to finish the story. And there was most definitely something else to write. Xena made her creative suggestion as Gabrielle realized that she knew exactly what was missing in that space upon the scroll. “Finally, Love’s eyes three times vanished from existence leaving the lone bard alongside her friends in peace once again. Lies will make the world go round till truer words are written down. The End! “